Monday, 22 March 2010

Deja not you, too

It's happened again. Well, not alien bugs. Not exactly.

This time it's a lizard man. I'll bet he has a death ray, too. But at least he seemed friendly. At first.

There I was, sitting on a sunny rockshelf off the Oaks firetrail when a lizard appeared. No surprise, I'd been sitting quietly long enough that he'd think I was no threat.  Obviously no threat, as he started marching straight towards me. I suppose that if I had a death ray in my pocket, I'd march straight up to something several hundred times bigger than me and give him the finger, too.

Wait a minute, he's not giving me the finger, he's waving.

Hello if I'm lucky. Goodbye if he pulls out that death ray.


Suddenly he was on me. A cold blooded killer. He leapt onto my leg and prepared to feast. 

My life flashed before me. Actually, it wasn't a full life flash, just an incremental update since my last full flash. A bit boring really, once I was past the whole insect overlords thing. And wasn't that a fizzer? Just like Y2K and swine flu, loads of media attention, then [sounds of crickets]. Didn't even have a death ray.

But back to my imminent demise. Perhaps my leg needed plucking before eating, because lizard man jumped off, ran across to my other leg, and jumped onto my shoe. Where he sat, master of all he surveyed. Largely, me. Unlike the alien bug, he didn't appear to be trying to communicate. I could tell he wasn't a lizard of many words.

But he did grin. Altogether too much grinning for my tastes. I was getting the feeling that a after a bit more sun, I'd be warmed to perfection, and little lizard was going to call his mother. I might be big, but so was Gulliver, and he was brought down to earth by hordes of Lilliputians and their tiny death rays (I think that's how it went).

Finally he moved, only to climb onto my pack. Fascinated by the blinking LED on my camera, and possibly thinking it was a death ray, he decided on a probably suicidal course of attack, launching himself...

...some time later, I picked myself up. I had blanked out everything that had happened during that final attack. But I was still alive.

The lizard? Nowhere in sight. Just in case, I, for one, welcomed our new reptilian overlords.

Once again, it really happened, and this time, I have actual video footage of some of it. My death ray^W^W camera was still in one piece. Unfortunately, the suicide attack somehow turned off the camera, so there is no record, or memory of the aftermath.

This is probably for the best.

Monday, 15 March 2010

I'm fr-ea-ea-ea-kin' out!

Ok, not any more, but I was.

So, there I was coming out of the pit. The pit's a sort of basement, which you get into from outside. I store old junk in it. Anyway, like I say, I was coming out of the pit, something I've done thousands of times, but this time, as I walked back, I stopped. A bug of some sort, something like a dragonfly, but not, had shot in front of me as I walked. And it stayed there. Hovering. Right in front of me. 


I stepped sideways so I wouldn't bump into it - hey, it might have had a sting, for all I knew. Anyway, I stepped sideways, and the bug moved sideways. Huh? I went the other way. The bug matched me. What? This is getting odder. I stepped back, the bug moved forward. I moved from side to side again, but the bug wasn't letting me past.


Now it was close, and I swear it was gazing into my eyes. I'm getting seriously weirded out. Was it communicating with me? Why? I can't speak bug! Maybe it's got a death ray.

OK, I admit it, I cracked. I spoke to it. I didn't quite get to "...and I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords", but I was getting close. The bug didn't answer, which was fortunate, I think I would have collapsed in shock or run screaming into the bush, or possibly run screaming into shock.

Hang on. Oh no. 

Maybe it was communicating telepathically and I've failed. I've failed, and humanity is doomed. What have I done? WHAT HAVE I DONE?

The bug just hovered in front of me. Testing me. I could tell.

Do I make a run for it? It *might* have a sting. Or a death ray. I didn't think so, but what do I know about alien insect invaders? Death rays. Killer death rays.

It hovered. Then it attacked. Straight into my chest. So rapidly I didn't see it. I didn't have time to squeal like a little girl.

Aaiiee! Aaiiee!

Maybe I squealed a bit. Killer death rays, remember. The bug hit so hard, it just bounced right off. No sting. I was still alive. So was the bug. It came in again, still fast, but slower this time. Had it learned from it's earlier mistake? Was it aiming the death ray?


It's on me! I could finally move, and scrabbled it off me, waving my arms frantically until, finally, it disappeared.

But what did it mean? Why had I been chosen? It was real.

I'm fr-ea-ea-ea-ea-kin' out!

My theory? Something to do with the bright red, yellow and white AMCN logo on my black t-shirt. That's what it hit. I hope it was the logo. Otherwise...

...and I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.